Conflict Dispute Management

 A.  Introduction

B.   Part 1: Analysis (minimum of 2500 words) Read the following family conflict scenario:

Lance and Jane are adult siblings in their late thirties. Their father, John, is a widower whose health is not bad but is in decline. He needs help with daily household chores, but he wants to continue to live in his home. A caretaker, Mrs. Smith, comes in every day to cook for John, clean, do laundry, and make sure he is taking his medications. Lance and his family live in the same small town as John, and Lance has taken over most of the responsibilities of running the family farming business from his father. John no longer drives, so either Lance or Mrs. Smith takes him to run errands, to doctor appointments, to church, etc. Jane and her family live a few hours away. Lance checks on his father 4-5 times per week. Jane is a 6th grade math teacher and drives in to stay with him every other weekend. During those visits, she cooks for him, takes him to visit friends, to church, etc.

Lance, the older of the two siblings, is married to Lindy, and they have three children, two pre- teen boys and a three-year-old daughter. Lindy is a CPA who works from home.

Jane is married to Mark, and they have two daughters in high school. Mark is a small business owner.

Lance believes that the status quo is not working and that his father should move to an assisted-living facility in a nearby city. Jane disagrees and wants to honor her father’s desire to stay in the home where he has lived for more than 40 years. Recently, the siblings had the following heated conversation. It is the third such interaction they have had over the past month:

Lance: “This is beyond ridiculous. Dad needs help with everything, and I’m the one who always has to do it. I spend so much time at his house that I might as well move back in and just live there. I have a family, too, you know! The boys play ball twice a week, and I miss half their games because I have to check on Dad. If we moved him to assisted living, he’d have someone around all the time, and I could have my life back!”

Jane: “You live a half-mile away from him. What kind of sacrifice is that? Why don't you just take Dad to the boys' ballgames? You know he'd love that! Besides, you never give me credit for what I give up to be with Dad. I drive a hundred miles each way two or three times a month and spend all weekend taking care of him, doing all the things you don’t do. What exactly do you do when you’re there anyway? Can’t you even make sure the trash is emptied? What does that woman that you hired to take care of the house actually do? I hope you’re not paying her very much. I spend every weekend I’m here making sure the house is clean."

Lance: “You always make a big deal out of nothing. One time, one time the house wasn’t spotless and the laundry wasn’t done, and you can’t let it go. Mrs. Smith does a good job keeping house and making sure Dad takes his meds, and we’re lucky to have her. She knows Dad has more challenges now, and she thinks it may be time to move him.”

Jane: “It's none of her business where Dad lives. And if she's doing such a great job, why are you griping about having to check on him? It isn't like he's an invalid. He doesn't need everything done for him. Can’t you see how much staying in the house means to him? It’s where we grew up. It’s where he and Mom created a family."

Lance: "I know, and I wish he could stay there forever, but there's got to be a better way. I have my hands full trying to keep the farm running, and there just isn't enough time in the day to get it all done. I take care of all the repairs on the house, I pay his bills, I take care of the yard.

There's just more to do than one person can handle! I've tried to talk him into hiring someone to at least take care of the yard, but he won't hear of it."

Jane: "Then let's talk to him and try to convince him to change his mind." Lance: "It won't work."

Jane: "We could at least try! You have no compassion for what he’s going through!”

Lance: “That is totally unfair. You get to go home and live your life after a couple of days while I’m left here. Lindy and I would like to have a life, too, but we spend all our spare time with

Dad. If that isn’t compassion, I don’t know what is! Lindy comes over as often as she can, but she has her job. She and I are in agreement on this. We have to make some changes.”

Jane: “Then let’s find someone to take care of the repairs and the yard. There’s plenty of money left from Mom’s life insurance, and dad’s got lots of money."

Lance: “You know how Dad feels about paying someone else to do what one of us can do. He feels like it’s throwing money away.”

Jane: “Then how would he feel about paying what it would take to put him in assisted living? Have you thought about that?”

Lance: “Of course I have. Give me some credit, will you? If we sell the house, he could stay in assisted living for the rest of his life.”

Jane: “Sell the house? Absolutely not! We are not selling Mom and Dad’s house. Dad would be devastated. You are not doing that to him!”

Lance: “Well, we can’t keep going like we are now. Dad is going downhill and needs to be where someone can be with him all the time, and my family needs a break!”

Jane: “You are exaggerating Dad’s condition. He’s still able to do a lot of things for himself, and leaving his house would kill him. I will not let you do this!”

If this were a conflict in real life, it would never be properly resolved until John is included in the discussion; however, for the purposes of this paper and while some of the prompts will ask you about John, your focus will primarily be on the siblings.

Based on this conversation and synthesizing all the material we have covered in this course, respond to the following prompts. Each response should include appropriate and thorough use of text, course, and any other appropriate academic material as well as evidence from the scenario to support your conclusions. Responses for which there is no or minimal academic support will not receive top marks.

*      How would you describe the personal conflict style of each party? Give specific information to support your choice.

*      With the information given and using your best judgment, create an identity list for Lance and one for Jane.

*      How are the identities of each party influencing their behavior in this situation?

*      Which identities are probably most important to them in this conflict?

*      How could each of them support the most important identities of the other?

*      How is each of the siblings caught in vertigo? Include evidence of all four of the obstacles Shapiro lists for each party.

*      What are the triggers that each party appears to be reacting to?

*      How might the dynamics of this conflict change if the siblings showed empathy for each other?

*      Using the RICE acronym, analyze each party’s interpersonal power currencies in this scenario. Include the power currencies that John possesses in addition to those of the siblings.

*      What are each party’s TRIP goals in this conflict?

*      With the information given and making educated guesses when necessary, create an illustration of this family system and explain your analysis. Be sure to include any evidence of triangulation, coalitions, etc. Attach your illustration as a jpeg in your paper. You can draw the illustration or use a drawing program to create it electronically.

*      What attempts at first-order change were attempted or suggested? Give at least two second-order change options the family might have.

*      Identify at least four specific defensive behaviors as described by Gibb that are demonstrated in this interaction by one or both of the siblings and offer an alternative supportive behaviors that they might display instead. Be specific in your discussion of these alternative possibilities in regard to how they would sound. How would using these supportive behaviors change the dynamic of the conflict?

*      Retell the story of this conflict (first and second stories) from the perspective of each of the siblings. Use first person to tell each party's story.

*      Create a third story from a neutral, non-judgmental perspective.